Changes Are Coming

The only constant, is change. I’m not sure who said that, but it’s true.

Every year has it’s hurdles. I look back on everything I have accomplished and endured this past year, and it amazes me how drastically different my life has become. The old goals -that I had believed to be my own – were in fact NOT my own, but belonged to a number of external influences disguised in my voice and residing in dark corners of my memory, like mousetraps in a cupboard. These goals have been uncovered as frauds, and as such left behind. This year, what with so many changes and challenges still to come, is a year for NEW goals. Genuinely Me goals.

This is also going to be a year of reality checks. I have spent too many years dreaming about how much happier I might be if only my circumstances were different. Well… dreaming can be wonderful, and it’s certainly free of risks. But it’s also no longer good enough for me. I long for the real thing. So those If Only’s are also staying behind this year, as I grasp the metaphorical bull by it’s horns rather than getting trampled in it’s steaming piles of..  Those days are behind me, and all I can say is, Good Riddance.

Nobody ever achieved anything without having to make some sacrifice or another. I’ve been giving so long, that taking feels a bit foreign at times. But I’m going to take, this year. My well-being depends on it. And this involves quite a lot of sacrifices, many of which will hurt. But despite how frustrated or depressed I have been and will be, I know that this is the right path for me. And no matter how alone I feel, I do not walk this path alone.

So here’s to 2012. May it give me the swift kick in the ass I need, and restore my faith in love.

Believing It Free

This song perfectly expresses the confusion of my current situation: partly my relationship with my husband and partly my relationship with God. Part beauty and part pain. Guilt. Suffering, yet hopeful. So many parts, combining together and sounding a bit disjointed… such is life. I think it can also go hand in hand with the ending of one difficult year, and the start of a new hopeful year.

Mercy, by Sarah McLachlan:

Mercy, Pure and Simple
Longing, Cold and Hollow
With Sweet Breath You’d Come to Warm Me
But I Held On Too Hard to Only a Memory

You Lie There On the Swollen Ground
Deserted In Your Heart
Still Longing For What Yesterdays Lost
And For All That Tomorrow Might Bring
And For All That Tomorrow Might Bring

The Passion Lost, Taken, Stolen
The Dreams We Had And We Shared, Shattered, Broken
With Kind Words You’d Come to Soothe Me
But I Go Blind And Filled With Fear
Would Send You Away From Me

There’s No Hope In Regretting Now
All the Pain That We Could Not See
We Both Knew What We Wanted Now
And We Took It Believing It Free
And We Took It Believing It Free

Faithless

Learning to Trust
Has been a Lifelong Mission
For Me

Trusting Family and Friends
Trusting God
Trust in Love
Trust the Process
Trust Myself

Trust Blindly, Without Question

Everything Will Work Out
To Good,
You’ll See,
Just Have Faith

And It Doesn’t Matter
How Many Times
You Get Burned
Or Broken,
You Must
Keep On Trusting,
Trusting
Why?

Trust Blindly
And Keep Hoping
That Your Trust
Will Someday Be Worth It
How?

Sometimes I Need A Break
From Trusting

Sometimes
I Get Tired
Of Always Hoping
That It Will Get Better
When It Doesn’t,
Trusting It Will All Work Out
When It Isn’t,
Holding On To Faith
When I’d Rather
Be Faithless

When Everything and Everyone
Lets You Down,
Trusting Yourself Is
All You Have Left

Yet I’m The One
Who Burned Myself,
I Trusted Myself
Without Understanding
Who I Really Was,
And Because Of That Trust
I Am Now Broken

There Is Nothing Left
For Me
To Trust In
Anymore

I Need A Break.

~Christina Cronk, 2011

Shifting My Focus

My blog-friend Marcia recently commented, “Why not write a post on the life you would like because by doing so it might shift your focus a little and help draw you closer to it.” This gave me pause, because lately I’ve been so depressed for our situation that even possibly considering a happy future seemed far out of reach. So I’m rising to her challenge and writing about the life I would like to lead rather than the murky place I’m in at the moment.

This challenge is more difficult for me than I thought it would be, because I feel split in two right now. Part of me is clinging to an idea I’ve spent my whole life working toward… the idea planted in my brain when I was a small child, of “normalcy,” how things are supposed to be: get married (to a wonderful man), buy the house with the white picket fence, have kids, grow old together. This is the dream, right? These past few years as I have gradually worked on myself, slowly letting go of expectations and social pressures, I’ve discovered that this idea of what is “normal” does not work for me. I’ve tried very hard to fit society’s mold, and made myself quite miserable in the process. Many past blog posts reflect this inner struggle. I notice more and more what, at the time, I was blinded to. What is normal, anyway? This is not how my life is supposed to unfold. God has been trying to tell me this for some time now, even bringing down our white picket fence in a terrible storm earlier this year. The signs are everywhere.

I love my husband very much, and it absolutely kills me that my journey is destroying our life together. Because our situation is tricky – in that we love each other and wish to remain a part of each other’s lives, rather than the majority of divorces where hatred and bitterness or indifference dominate – considering a future for myself that does not involve him in it, well, it hurts. A lot.

But for this challenge, maybe – just maybe –  I can put that pain on hold, and place our love up on a shelf in the recesses of my mind, and instead focus on the possibility of a separate life for myself.

What are my dreams now? What do I want? Where am I heading and what do I hope to find there?

My near future: I want to breathe easier. I want to stop feeling guilty for being myself. I want to enjoy being attracted to someone without beating myself up over it. I’d like to rediscover my self-confidence. Cut back on some of the vices I’ve taken up under this stress, until they are no longer a “necessity” but rather an occasional indulgence. I want to climb out of this hole and become a healthier, slimmer, happier me.  I want to maintain and cultivate a better friendship with my husband. I want to slowly move into the roommate category with him, and enjoy the house we share while I still live in it. I want to learn how to be alone without being afraid. I want to learn to handle my own finances and discover that I can manage it without help. I’d like to save for my own future. I want to take a trip on my own, or with friends instead of “as a couple.” I’d like to rediscover the joy of doing activities I like- such as reading, writing, baking, painting, hiking, and all those “-ings” I’ve neglected lately. I want to stop feeling trapped, and start living free. Taking baby steps toward…

My not-so-near future: I want to move out, into my first apartment that is just mine. I want to paint the walls any color I want, and decorate as I wish without feeling like I need someone else’s permission (except the landlord’s of course). I want to go back to school to finish my degree and perhaps pursue something new. I want to meet someone special- beautiful inside and out- to open my heart to and not be afraid of what judgment might come our way as a result. I want to experience passion, and intimacy, and butterflies in my stomach. I want to smile by biggest smile and know that it is genuine, not forced. I want to feel loved, with every fiber of my being. I want to move somewhere I can start fresh, somewhere exciting and accepting (like Seattle), with real change of seasons, and culture, and breathtaking views. I want to dance without inhibitions. I’d like to be able to cuddle on the couch, doing nothing but simply enjoying spending time with the woman I love, and dream of a different kind of normal: a life together. To bring her home for Christmas with my family, and not be afraid of how we might be received.

But most importantly I want to be happy. Truly happy with my life and all the people in it. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Blinking In The Sun

It's Time

I haven’t written anything in a while. There’s been so much to sort through in my life lately, it seems the pleasure of writing has taken a back seat to less enjoyable things. But living day to day in emotional turmoil as the puzzle pieces of my life are taken apart and rearranged, it has become difficult to focus on the good things rather than dwelling on the bad. Try as I might, my smile does not live as long as it used to.

Time heals all wounds, that’s what they say anyway. So I know that in time I will be ok. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and a number of other relavant cliche’s. And I know that my impatience for that light to arrive is probably not doing me any good. I cannot control time, but I can control my intentions.

I read two wonderful posts yesterday by two of my favourite blog subscriptions. The first, titled From Out The Cave by Joyce Sutphen (shared by luckyloom1 on her blog, A Druid Thurible), truly speaks of my life right now. I particularly love the last four lines:

“You stumble from your cave,
blinking in the sun,
naming every shadow
as it slips.”

These past few months have felt like utter darkness, but now I am stumbling toward the light- slowly but surely things are going to get better. This poem really gives me hope.

The second post, titled The REAL Secret by The Awakened Life, also opened my eyes but in a different way. Through all of this, I have been very conscious of and very uncomfortable about the negativity in my words. I feel guilty when I talk to close friends about how my life is going at the moment. I understand full well that nobody really wants to have a “woe as me” friend, but I also understand my strong need for a support system. It’s not easy when a marriage fails, no matter who you are. And it’s not easy coming out of the closet, at any age. I know that I am this walking heap of fester and tears right now, that can’t really be helped – but reading this post gave me hope that by changing my thoughts, I can pick myself up, brush myself off, and positivity will find me. She references a wonderful quote from the Buddha, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make our world.”

SO, with a deep breath I am determined to stop wallowing. I have been in this pain long enough- I have lived it rather than ignore it and that’s good, we need to do that sometimes. But I’ve done it for long enough. I want to feel better. I want to focus on the beauty of new beginnings, the excitement (rather than fear) of an unknown future, and attract a life filled with love and happiness. After all, everyone deserves to be happy.

Not Perfect

How Bizarre

It’s a bizarre feeling, being both in the world and outside the world at the same time.

In each moment I am present here, going about my daily life, interacting with people and with nature… yet a part of me is distanced from this life, distanced from the physical doldrums of each day. Sometimes I am a participator, sometimes I am an observer. And occasionally, I am neither. I simply AM.

In these moments I exist as thought. As feeling. I can watch the world pass by, or engage with it on varying levels. Seeing past the barriers of form and function, right to the beautiful Source.

Yesterday I went for a drive, to escape the negativity and despair that has settled over our home. I went to the lake I love so much, sat on a parkbench beside the trail, and breathed. Watching the passers-by jogging, or blading, or walking their dogs. Watching the excitement as the dogs tried with all their might to chase the ducks back into the water. Seeing the ducks take to the air, then land on the surface, causing the lake to ripple out in soft patterns of reflecting light. I breathed in the gentle September breeze and breathed out my stress- my worries- my anger. I focused on a single duck, swimming back and forth alone, separate from the others and further from the shore. And I could see myself in that duck. I could feel a deeper kinship, an understanding that surpassed mere observation.

I don’t know where I’m going either.

But to get there, wherever “there” is, I need to separate from the group. I need time alone. Which is a scary concept for me- I’ve never been alone before. I think this fear of being alone has kept me in situations that are unhealthy. This fear needs to be confronted, and growth needs to occur. In each breath I pondered this need. And my eyes never straying from that solitary duck as it swam back and forth, yet seeing past it to a place out of focus… I allowed freedom into my heart and simply WAS. Everything, the people and animals, the wind in the trees and dancing Spanish moss, the sounds, they all melted together and time itself seemed to hold it’s breath for me. In the quiet rushing, I surrendered control and let the tears flow freely.

Participator, Observer, Neither. I am three in one.

How Bizarre.

Heart Unplugged

Unplug:
Live Your Life Like
Soft Acoustic Melody

Let Go:
Live Your Life Genuinely
Free Of Fear And Shame

Rip That Band-Aid Off
And Expose The Wound To
Clean Water
Fresh Air

We Heal Faster
When We Unplug
And Expose Our Hearts
To Peace

~Christina Cronk, 2011

No Disguises

My brother and I, lion and clown

When I was a child I used to love Halloween, simply because I could dress up as someone else. My mother was always so creative with her costume making. Whatever we wanted to be, she would find a way to make it happen. The transformation was always exciting: one minute I was my plain-jane self and the next I was transformed into a Mermaid, or Medusa, or a Hippie, or a Ham Sandwich (I wish I still had pictures of that one… it was a riot!)

There’s a certain confidence that comes with wearing a mask. It frees us from the ’embarrassment’ of being our true shy selves, and allows us to settle into another character’s shoes for a little while. And being a self-conscious, unpopular kid, I quickly discovered how wonderfully freeing this could be.

As I grew older, I enjoyed taking drama, speech, and musical theater classes in school. I became a member of the drama club, as well as the Thesbian Society. I learned to dance and sing my heart out, all from behind the safety of a character’s mask. And even after graduation, I continued to apply the lesson I had reinforced as a child: that I could be brave and confident as someone else. With a mask, I could easily make friends. Become the socialite of the party. Make a fool of myself on purpose, and laugh at myself- something I would have been mortified about otherwise. And although the mask was no longer a physical one, I found comfort through inhabiting any persona I wanted to be at any given moment. It became my security blanket, so to speak. Letting those few I loved and trusted through my guard, and keeping the rest at a safe distance. Showing them what I wanted them to see, different masks for different people. Becoming whom I thought they would like best.

And though it worked for a while, I still always felt alone. In friendships, in relationships, it didn’t matter who I was with because I felt alone regardless. All the time. My life was miserable, and nobody could understand why. Not even me. You see, I had fallen victim to my own masks. I no longer knew who I was.

Just Me

A few years ago, I made the decision to discover the real me. Not that I was missing, but that I had to take off the masks I’d worn for so long… some were easier than others to discard. Some (especially lately) I’ve had to really chisel away at. The process has been painful, and every layer reveals something new I have to confront. Raising more questions than answers. But I can breathe a bit easier now. My shoulders don’t feel as tight as they once did. And there is light in my life, moreso than before. A hope for better days to come.

I still do love a good costume party, but no longer for the same reason. At the end of the day, that costume comes off. And all that’s left, is Me.

A Hundred Blessings

A Hundred Blessings – Rumi
When Love comes suddenly and taps
on your window, run and let it in,
but first shut the door of your reason,
even the smallest hint chases love away,
like smoke that drowns the freshness
of the morning breeze.
To reason, Love can only say
the way is barred, you can’t pass through,
but to the lover it offers a hundred blessings.
Before the mind decides to take a step,
Love has reached the seventh heaven.
Love has climbed the Holy Mountain.
I must stop this talk now and let
Love speak from its nest of silence.

As performed by Mirabai Ceiba. Please enjoy: